Loving Nothingness

nothing special for ages. noone interesting that i was meeting and who put me under a spell.
well until that time when i saw her. the truth is that i ve never fallen so hard for someone who i barely know. well at least i can say that she likes girls and that she takes it slow.
but i swear to you that when she looks in my eyes and when she touches me, even by accident i forget to breath. for sure i know it wont take me anywhere to just sit here and think >> oh my god such a pretty face - such a perfect body <<
i know where i stand in life and i know who i am and what i want and expect from myself but in that case i am lost. there is nothing i can do nothing i can say nothing i can assume.
she is out of my reach and for the first time its not about pride and about her hurting my ego.
i want to get to know her. i want to talk to her. i want to know whats behind them blue eyes, what makes them stopping me from knowing what i wanted to say.

just think about a pretty flower. you sit and stare. you sit and dive into the unknown world of beauty. not because its something new but sometimes you start to forget that there is bad things in this world. that is exactly the feeling that i get when i have the chance to look at her.
i hope she will never figure it out. i hope she will never see what i see when i stare at her.
but i wish i could hold her for one night.

Too Many Whys

Well we all know it. We all expirienced it once. We all are connected. If we like it or not is a different chapter. We hit it hardcore and we loved the taste of it. We connected if I may say it like that. It is soo long ago and still, I sometimes think back. Try to capture the last memories I got of that special time. That rare feeling. That rare touch. That rare voice and these rare eyes. and that only day when i walked aways because i couldnt take it anymore.
It is so funny when you think about it again. I left her because I couldnt handle it anymore. The tightness of our love was so overwhelming and yet so destroying. Why did I never called her back anymore even though I missed waking up next to her? Why did I avoid all the places we have been to? Why did i walk out on her when she gave me everything? Why do I sometimes still think of her? Why do I still feel her when I close my eyes?

Fighting Reality

It's been a while since I've seen her the last time. Approximately a month. But for me it's just like a few hours ago she kissed me on my bar. And she does again and again every night in my dreams. Why? I was not sure at this moment.

Jade has been in New York to join some important parties and meet even more important people... that's just what she does. But tonight she would be back again to support us with music at the skyline club. I tried to call her to ask if we could hook up before she needs to work. She didn't answer... I got a text message that said she'll be at the club at midnight. I couldn't wait.

I entered the skyline at 1:00 am, directly moving to the main floor where she performed. And I saw her... doing her job - making people dance. I went up to her. She looked so hot in that black outfit that I nearly couldn't breathe. She realised me, winked and gave me a sign. I should wait a moment. Then she put off her headphones and moved towards me. "Jessy-Girl, how are you? Give me a hug!" I did. And while doing that I smelled that perfume. A shower ran over my back.
"I'll be busy for another two hours. If you wanna wait I'll find you and we can have a drink afterwards". I agreed... not showing her how impatient I actually was.

After almost 3 hours I was still waiting for her. I decided to get her a tequila shot... maybe that would remind her of our special time at my place. I went back to the main floor and found her... talking to a girl. I knew that girl. One of that girlie groupies who follow jade to every party she perfoms. Jade took that strange girl's hand and led her backstage. What was she gonna do there?
I got curious and followed them, hid next to the stage, trying to get a view through the back door. I heard Jade's voice... saying something like "I really like your hair". I slightly moved towards the door and watched into the room. They were standing at the wall, face to face. It looked like Jade had pulled her against that wall. She stood in front of her, one arm leaning on the wall, the other one playing with that girl's hair. Now she got closer... and finally kissed her.

I felt like someboby strangled me... and suddenly some questions came into my mind. Questions which I never wanted to think about.

Am I insane to believe that she would ever refer to me as more than a friend?
why do I care so bad?
why does that hurt?
Am I in love with Jade Pistol??


I nearly began to scream... thoughts got weird in my head. Was she really kissing that girl? Was that reality? I found no way to deal with it, I needed to rearrange my thoughts and I know it sounds crazy but it seemed to me like I had no alternative but to fight reality...

I Was Wrong

We hooked up several times. Nothing really special ever happened. Just talking about random stuff and I always got bored too quickly so I always told her i had to leave. But still there was something about her that i loved and hated. I adored and I slagged off everytime we met. I Never kissed her, thought she wasn't special enough. Then one night she called me on the phone. She wanted to meet me and I had to be quick because there was something she had to show me. I left, got in my car and drove where I was meant to meet her. The stars were shining so bright that night. It somehow was so touching, the feeling that I had, while I was watching her walking up to me while I could barely see her, just what the moonlight revealed. We were standing on a hill, able to look over Santa Monica and the ocean. When she took my hand and dragged me towards the edge of that little terrace I was ready to let go and kiss her. I suddenly had such a craving to feel her close to me. She stopped and went behind me and said: This is the most special place I know and still its not as special as you are... And with these words she left and since then I have never seen her again.

then she went down...

I have known her for a couple of years now. The first time I saw her I was lost in dancing. It was my first time at the skyline club. She was the main djane that night and I got obsessed of her music. I continued joining every party she performed and always got names and labels from her where I could get that kind of music I so fell in love with. I was amazed when she gave me her number one day, so that I could call her and she'd take me to that great music store everybody was talking about.

Time went by and we became friends. I loved spending time with her, although she was always really busy at work and couldn't hook up too often. Nevertheless we talked a lot on the phone and she always told me where she would perform next time.

So I was really ecxited that one weekend Jade Pistol would come to see me again. It was the fourth time we’ve seen each other at all. We would have a lot of fun as all the other times I thought by myself, so I went for some shopping to get prepared for Jade. I knew from several phone calls that Jade was a sucker for Tequila Sunrise. So I decided a cocktail night would be fine and got anything I needed.

A few hours later I heard the noise of a car right in front of my door, I jumped up and flounced outside… there she was. „Hey loverly“, Jade stepped out of her car. She wore black sun glasses and just stood there, leaning against her car, smiling.

I was once again amazed by her attitude and couldnt resist but gave her a hug followed by a light kiss on her cheek. „I missed you friend“.

We got inside and immediatly started talking, laughing while listening to music… like we always did. Jade loved the idea of a cocktail night, so we started mixing different drinks.

After a couple of tequila sunrises, cosmopolitans and pure shots we were still there, sitting on the two bar stools in front of the bar, making jokes and talking about the things we really cared about.

„I really missed you girl, cause I think you’re kind of the only one I can talk to so honestly“, I said. „And I was thinking bout you a lotta times to be honest…in different ways“. I never wanted to tell Jade that I did, because after all we were just friends… but now I couldnt resist. Suddenly some words came into my mind, words that Jade once said.. „friends dont fuck…“

I rapidly wanted to change topic. „Forget it girl… so what about another tequila?“

Jade said nothing. She ended her cigarette, then turned to me. „In which ways were you thinking bout me?“ she asked. „Dont know, different… „ I got nervous and told myself to better shut up now.

„Did you ever think about me kissing you?“. I couldn’t answer… I just looked into Jade’s eyes and couldnt keep my glance contolled. I suddenly felt this desire I haven’t felt for a long time now. Jade was there… was it her I was waiting for? I looked all over her face, noticed things I suddenly became obsessed of. Like those clear blue eyes, those dark hairstreaks which fell kind of weird over Jade’s face. And her glance, I lost myself in that glance.

Jade repeated her question. „Did you?“ At the same time she pulled my bar stool closer. I stopped breathing and suddenly all I heard was the music in the background, that one song I always related to her. Jade put her arm around my waist and pulled me on her lap. „Because I did.“

Jade smiled, got closer… still looking into my eyes. Then she kissed me. I felt like someone was throwing my stool round and round, I was somewhere in the middle of nowhere, no sense of time, no sense of anything… but Jade.

Then Jade stopped kissing me… „should I stop, I mean... we're friends?“ she asked. „I wish you’d never ever stop at all…“ was all I could answer. We kissed again. First careful, but then it got more passionate. I couldnt stand and touched Jade’s waist. She took my hands off her waist and pulled them onto my back. She stood up… still carrying me. And as fast as she stood up she pulled me on the bar and took a seat on the stool. Still kissing like there wouldnt be anything else. Jade got into my shirt, touched my neck and let her fingers run down my back, then round my waist and ended at my waistband. I pulled off my shirt… we shortly stopped kissing and just watched into each others eyes. I pulled off Jade's shirt as well, while she let her fingers play from my chest, over my belly and went lower. I couldnt help making a noise… which made Jade kissing me again passionately. She opened my pants and pulled it off, while kissing my neck… then she went down.

Living In A Lie

Waking up to the already made breakfast, served with a little kiss loaded with love. Where would you wanna be in that moment? Right where you are? Or just somewhere far away from that painfull steadiness of an old rusty relationship? They had breakfast and they shared the morning glance of beautiful sun shine on the couch. The only place where she wanted to be was far away, far away form that same old security of their long relationship. She met her in dark. She took her to places where shes never been before. She let go. She dived into the secret feelings of a love affair. The only rule that she set for herself was that she will not look at her while she fucked her the way how she wanted to be fucked. Every second Saturday they went to that place where they made dreams become true. She had her eyes blindfolded while she expierienced the dark side of love. As always she went home and kissed her lover good night then she finally realised it was too late. Too late to apologise, too late to figure it out, too late to clear her head, too late to tell her she loved her but she couldnt. She was living a lie and didnt know what to do...

Love is just Overrated

Love. The weird feeling, the sensless obsession, the strange feeling in your stomach. you behave so idiotic, the way you would never behave if you were clear headed. Yes it does change the way you act and the way you think. Certainly you play it cool because you dont want to look like you are the one who you feel like you are right in that very moment. You stand at the bar because that is - no doubt - the best place to hide the way how you feel. I mean you can order the "in drinks" glance at the bartender, or just lean and look stunning. So, there you are now. With the girl you want to have. More than anything. But well, here comes the new problem. What do you say? You have to keep the conversation up, the atmosphere going, avoid the awkward silence - even tho there is music , its still not cool enough to just sing along so very not! - and still score with every charming smile you send her way. Sounds like an, oh so very easy task, but yeah you are right it neve works the way you expect it to work. Just simply because what you expect is never what you get and again just because love is so overrated and its not about having a good time but finding the love of your life. Why not just taking it all a bit slower and enjoy being alive?

Then She Told Me She Had Got To Go...

Can you imagie that tender touch. The dismantling smile on the, oh so charming, face. When you start to feel that its gone anyway. It all comes back at one time. It will hunt you down before you realise that its all your fault. I mean when we knew that we are going in the wrong direction with giving our heart away, would we stop even though we do our best still wanting to belive? And the day had to come, day when I went out. After months of avoiding the clubs, the places, the restaurants, just simply every place I could imagine where we used to go, I figured out that there is no-damn-way that i am going to keep myself away from where I want to be the most, just because of that constant fear of seeing her again. So here I am now, finally got the balls and I went downtown. Yes you are right, it happened. I saw her face, my heart stopped beating and my head seemed to explode. It just took a simple "Hey" and two Long Island Ice Teas and she went home with me. I never wanted that. I mean I didnt even try to. But to be honest I loved it. But then she told me she had got to go...